The following checklist is offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. It may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand codependency. It may aid those who have been in recovery a while to determine what traits still need attention and transformation.

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Denial Patterns

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Codependents often…

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• have difficulty identifying what they are feeling.

• minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel.

• perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

• lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.

• label others with their negative traits.

• think they can take care of themselves without any help from others.

• mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.

• express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.

• do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted.

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Low Self-esteem Patterns

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Codependents often…

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• have difficulty making decisions.

• judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.

• are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.

• value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.

• do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons.

• seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than.

• have difficulty admitting a mistake.

• need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.

• are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want.

• perceive themselves as superior to others.

• look to others to provide their sense of safety.

• have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.

• have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.

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Compliance Patterns

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Codependents often…

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• are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

• compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.

• put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.

• are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.

• are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.

• accept sexual attention when they want love.

• make decisions without regard to the consequences.

• give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

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Control Patterns

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Codependents often…

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• believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

• attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.

• freely offer advice and direction without being asked.

• become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice

• lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence.

• use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.

• have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.

• demand that their needs be met by others.

• use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate.

• use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally.

• refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.

• adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.

• use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others.

• pretend to agree with others to get what they want.

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Avoidance Patterns

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Codependents often. . . 

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• act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them.

• judge harshly what others think, say, or do.

• avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.

• allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships.

• use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.

• diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.

• suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.

• pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away.

• refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves.

• believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.

• withhold expressions of appreciation.